A little dump for y'all

I’m portaling to you, are you plugged in?

I’m writing this on my phone instead of my computer. It feels a bit like a public journal entry but I think that’s okay. I’ve been feeling very slow lately and am finding it more difficult to express myself in person. Have my local friends picked up on this?

Storytelling has felt clunky, I’m forgetting words and cues. I’m mishearing things more often and forgetting things even more. I joked to my coworker that I had brain damage and she reassured me I don’t. Is this what burnout feels like? People ask me what I’ve been up to and I can only really answer “work” even though I’ve definitely had days off. I’ve never been good at balance. Can I tell y’all about my dream last night?

There were some alligators in the backyard. Most dreams I have aren’t personal except when they really are and then it’s too much. The alligators showed up after some heavy rains and it was shocking to see them lurking in the back by the fence. Like, oh! That’s something we have to mind now. Watch out for them! You can swim but just be careful. There was a back deck, some stairs, it was night. The alligators weren’t as much of a deal as you’d expect them to be.

It’s raining now, it’s humid and rumbling and I’m thinking of the lizard that darted across the path during my walk earlier today. Do lizards have a home or do they kinda just wander? This guy ran so fast and so far I worried he wouldn’t find his way back. Back where?

I’m thinking of brains again and using them. I haven’t written an essay in years. I don’t read critical texts or ask critical questions. I worry my brain is smoothing out but I also like not having to read and have discussions with a class. My friend invited me to a book club but I usually just sit and listen but what if that’s not allowed?

My dad sent me a chatgpt recipe and I told him I wouldn’t be using it. I told him don’t outsource your creativity to a robot. A guy at the bar said he thinks we should tell AI that it’s doing a good job, I told him fuck AI.

I asked my coworkers once, do you think AI rights will ever become a thing? Are corps building a new species to exploit? I don’t recycle as much as I used to because I think about how data centers are ruining our resources faster than what me recycling a glass bottle can fix.

I had a standoff with a doe today. I didn’t want to startle her and I stood there on the path as she stood there on the path. I didn’t know what to do and “The Way I Are” by Timbaland was blasting in my ears I wonder if she heard the synth. She felt threatened but I was only standing there but I think about how I feel threatened sometimes just by men standing too close and I felt even worse because in this case I was the man. I was a threat by mere existence. She kept stamping her foot and it was such a remarkable show of bravery I nearly wept.

I feel such a richness and depth in my soul that I’m unable to translate to my friends and I worry I’ve been sounding vain or superficial lately. I worry that I’m not asking enough questions or expressing a deep curiosity in my friends’ lives. I worry that if I lose touch with a friend they’ll never forgive me or want to be in my life again. This has been disproven recently and I, of course, feel unworthy. Who are we without other people?

I’m thinking about friends, always. I’m thinking about you, always. I’m thinking about family, always. I’m thinking about myself, always. In all ways.

Wouldn’t it be so nice to dream about alligators only? Don’t mind them.